So I am back ...

shit/yay/herewecomeagain

I have found you again ana, 

so take that all. 

i will be skinny. 

i will be beautiful.

i will wear what i want and when i walk by, the girls will stare me down with their jealous eyes.

wishing they knew my secret.

the parental units and just-want-to-helps stuffed me back up to beyond mega whale. and i discust myself. 

but soon- i will be back.

i will go down down down. 

i will make it to double digits. 

purple.

yay. 

the happyness is back! i went bra shopping today, with the best friend. 

im happy with my boyfriend :) he says sweet things. 

he probably wouldnt hurt a fly.

he laughs

he smiles

he is cheerful

i am happy to be around him.

i miss him when hes not around. in a healthy way.

not like you.

i obsessed over you for two years. 

nothing was good enough without your stamp of approval. 

when we were not speaking the sight of you was

 a punch in the gut/losingmybreath/heartbreakalloveragain. 

i dont have to see you anymore

i dont have to feel those nasty feelings.

i am learning to forget, you are no longer on my mind 24/7. 

i am happy without you (HAPPY,DAMNIT)

but the truth is...

your still the last thing on my mind as i drift to sleep.

i still wakeup screaming, crying, missing you

... im still in love with you. 

the other truth?

i think ive become strong enough to deal with it. 

i can bury you deep inside. 

i can think about you without punishing myself for losing you.

and i no longer have to scare the shit out of my friends. they dont notice the pain anymore. 

so HAH! take that. 

i am strong, i am beautiful, and you CANNOT. RUIN. MY. LIFE

I>YOU.  

oh.

i think its getting worse. 

i am going to fail school.

my parents are going to murder me. 

i am incapbable of doing anything. 

nothing matters anymore anyways.

the thingy messed up

anywho. 

it was like he was a part of me. 

and then i had to go and mess everything up. 

in 8th grade, we went out. 

yes, it was a lame middle school relationship but i dont care.

it made me happy. so so happy. 

and then, i believe is when the depression started. i got confused. i turned into a monster. Someone told me some lame gossip about him talking to my best friend about me somewhat rudely. i flipped out. They were talking in the hallway and i totally blew up at her. I screamed, i called her a backstabber, a bad friend, and countless other hurtful things. i screamed, i caused a scene. i was pathetic. After a few minutes, i turned on him. 

and we are over.

i dont think i even managed to turn around all the way before the tears came. I went into the bathroom and sobbed, until my friend Savanna walked in and pulled me up to guidance. I was such a wreck. 

We didn't stay split up for very long, however. I think we went out four or five times that year. we were very on and off. It was all my fault. I dont know why he put up with me. I dont know how anybody did. 

eventually i just refused to talk to him. I dont know why. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. We grew apart, although he went on to tell me he still liked me... 

We began to talk again the summer before freshman year. I still liked him. I wasnt going to say anything. i was still partially the monster of before. i hoped he liked me. i figured it would never happen again in a million years. i thought i would just have to get over myself and find someone new. I tried. I even set him up with my best friend. they ended up going out for 9months. Those nine months very nearly killed me. I became severely depressed. i didnt eat. i didnt sleep. i could focus, i could do school work, i couldnt do anything. i didnt do 4-H. i didnt even go to the barn. i hurt myself. i was slipping away, but they were in love. I hoped they were oblivious to how i felt. I know now they weren't. I thought if they broke up everything would get better. So i tried to do anything i could to ruin their relationship. Sadly, i was so far gone i didnt even care. They had been having fights anyways, i thought. They were going ti be over soon. When he asked me about it, i told him i though they should breakup. they did it. what kind of person does that to their best friends?!

i thought that everything would be ok once they were over. I though he would realize i was better for him, i knew him better, we had more in common. Instead, we ended up not talking as much. I didnt see him around school. I tried to get over him. i talked myself out of liking him, became somewhat involved with a guy who was a grade above me in school. When we ended things, i ran into Coltens arms sobbing. we hadnt talked in months. He was the only thing that could comfort me, he was my rock. After a few days, he began pulling himself away again. i was unwanted. i gave up. I wanted to kill myself, i tried. 

i could not do that to my mother. it would kill her. 

Summer came. I think i had all Cs. Which sucks. im not dumb, i just couldnt deal. 

We texted on and off starting around the middle of the summer. 

WE WERE TALKING AGAIN!

i was so happy i didnt know what to do with myself. 

we talked all the time. We would call eachother at night and talk untill 3 or 4 in the morning. Eventually, it came up that i still had feelings for him. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I gave him my whole heart. easily, willingly, i held it out to be taken. It was something i had never before done. I was happy to do it. 

He said he needed to focus on school, so he didnt want to be official yet. i didnt care. i cried with joy that he even saw anything in me. He was the first person to find me beautiful. He was the first person whos opinion i ever really cared about. 

School rolled around. We talked less and less. I began to wither away. 

Now we talk mabey three times a month. We text sometimes, but at school he avoids me. When i see him, i cant breath, i cant think. By the time i think to say hello he is gone again. 

and now hes leaving me. things arent resolved, im still in love with him, and my life is down the toilet. i feel worse than i did last year. i cant even deal with this right now. 

Hes leaving. 

in four days he will be gone. 

this is not okay this is not okay this is not okay. 

i want waffles

Im hungry. 

i think i want to go to waffle house, and get waffles. 

i just might do that. 

my life is falling apart. we have exams this week, and i'm going to fail everything. *sigh* school is too stressful. life is too stressful. i'm dying. i haven't been able to sleep i like two weeks. i just want to curl up and go too sleep and not wake up until next week. Im 90% sure im failing AP Euro, which sucks. its not like i don't try in there, its just so hard. roar. 

So, Colten texted me last night. i almost died. he is moving schools. he is leaving me, all alone. I am freaking out. I cried so hard i threw up, and now i cant even think. life is so unfair. I mean, i guess it could be a good thing, not having to see him everyday. 

not to see him walk by like i am invisible

not to see him talking to those stupid b****es

not to see him look at me then avert his eyes when i notice. 

not to see him not care. 

im honestly suprised he even though to tell me.

we were BEST FRIENDS. 

He is the farthest i have ever let anybody inside. ever. 

he knows more about me than any of my other friends added up together. 

we were so close. so,so,soo close. I felt like i could tell him anything. i did tell him anything. i wonder if he even realized how close i held him to my heart. 

 

oh, and

the monster is back today. joy