oh.

i think its getting worse. 

i am going to fail school.

my parents are going to murder me. 

i am incapbable of doing anything. 

nothing matters anymore anyways.

the thingy messed up

anywho. 

it was like he was a part of me. 

and then i had to go and mess everything up. 

in 8th grade, we went out. 

yes, it was a lame middle school relationship but i dont care.

it made me happy. so so happy. 

and then, i believe is when the depression started. i got confused. i turned into a monster. Someone told me some lame gossip about him talking to my best friend about me somewhat rudely. i flipped out. They were talking in the hallway and i totally blew up at her. I screamed, i called her a backstabber, a bad friend, and countless other hurtful things. i screamed, i caused a scene. i was pathetic. After a few minutes, i turned on him. 

and we are over.

i dont think i even managed to turn around all the way before the tears came. I went into the bathroom and sobbed, until my friend Savanna walked in and pulled me up to guidance. I was such a wreck. 

We didn't stay split up for very long, however. I think we went out four or five times that year. we were very on and off. It was all my fault. I dont know why he put up with me. I dont know how anybody did. 

eventually i just refused to talk to him. I dont know why. he is the best thing that ever happened to me. We grew apart, although he went on to tell me he still liked me... 

We began to talk again the summer before freshman year. I still liked him. I wasnt going to say anything. i was still partially the monster of before. i hoped he liked me. i figured it would never happen again in a million years. i thought i would just have to get over myself and find someone new. I tried. I even set him up with my best friend. they ended up going out for 9months. Those nine months very nearly killed me. I became severely depressed. i didnt eat. i didnt sleep. i could focus, i could do school work, i couldnt do anything. i didnt do 4-H. i didnt even go to the barn. i hurt myself. i was slipping away, but they were in love. I hoped they were oblivious to how i felt. I know now they weren't. I thought if they broke up everything would get better. So i tried to do anything i could to ruin their relationship. Sadly, i was so far gone i didnt even care. They had been having fights anyways, i thought. They were going ti be over soon. When he asked me about it, i told him i though they should breakup. they did it. what kind of person does that to their best friends?!

i thought that everything would be ok once they were over. I though he would realize i was better for him, i knew him better, we had more in common. Instead, we ended up not talking as much. I didnt see him around school. I tried to get over him. i talked myself out of liking him, became somewhat involved with a guy who was a grade above me in school. When we ended things, i ran into Coltens arms sobbing. we hadnt talked in months. He was the only thing that could comfort me, he was my rock. After a few days, he began pulling himself away again. i was unwanted. i gave up. I wanted to kill myself, i tried. 

i could not do that to my mother. it would kill her. 

Summer came. I think i had all Cs. Which sucks. im not dumb, i just couldnt deal. 

We texted on and off starting around the middle of the summer. 

WE WERE TALKING AGAIN!

i was so happy i didnt know what to do with myself. 

we talked all the time. We would call eachother at night and talk untill 3 or 4 in the morning. Eventually, it came up that i still had feelings for him. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I gave him my whole heart. easily, willingly, i held it out to be taken. It was something i had never before done. I was happy to do it. 

He said he needed to focus on school, so he didnt want to be official yet. i didnt care. i cried with joy that he even saw anything in me. He was the first person to find me beautiful. He was the first person whos opinion i ever really cared about. 

School rolled around. We talked less and less. I began to wither away. 

Now we talk mabey three times a month. We text sometimes, but at school he avoids me. When i see him, i cant breath, i cant think. By the time i think to say hello he is gone again. 

and now hes leaving me. things arent resolved, im still in love with him, and my life is down the toilet. i feel worse than i did last year. i cant even deal with this right now. 

Hes leaving. 

in four days he will be gone. 

this is not okay this is not okay this is not okay. 

i want waffles

Im hungry. 

i think i want to go to waffle house, and get waffles. 

i just might do that. 

my life is falling apart. we have exams this week, and i'm going to fail everything. *sigh* school is too stressful. life is too stressful. i'm dying. i haven't been able to sleep i like two weeks. i just want to curl up and go too sleep and not wake up until next week. Im 90% sure im failing AP Euro, which sucks. its not like i don't try in there, its just so hard. roar. 

So, Colten texted me last night. i almost died. he is moving schools. he is leaving me, all alone. I am freaking out. I cried so hard i threw up, and now i cant even think. life is so unfair. I mean, i guess it could be a good thing, not having to see him everyday. 

not to see him walk by like i am invisible

not to see him talking to those stupid b****es

not to see him look at me then avert his eyes when i notice. 

not to see him not care. 

im honestly suprised he even though to tell me.

we were BEST FRIENDS. 

He is the farthest i have ever let anybody inside. ever. 

he knows more about me than any of my other friends added up together. 

we were so close. so,so,soo close. I felt like i could tell him anything. i did tell him anything. i wonder if he even realized how close i held him to my heart. 

 

oh, and

the monster is back today. joy

you are

obsessed. 

10am, woke up

watched movies untill 12;45

then went to the barn

victor is back. 

they were roping, so i went on a trail ride instead. 

it was nice. BoBo was hyper, but he only spooked at the deer once.

i think im losing it, again. i had to pull over on the way home because my brain was screaming so loud i couldn't think. and all it would say was he doesnt love you/ he left you for a reason/too fat/too ugly/too dumb. I though best friends forever had a meaning. guess not. they all leave eventually. even when the (empty) promises say otherwise. 

is it so wrong, to just want to curl up and cease to exist. 

im cracked in the head.

60$

Today, i didn't wake up when i wanted to. I was going to get up early and go to the barn.... but i stayed up to late at Abbis. oh well. 

it makes me sad i didn't get to ride today :( 

or yesterday :(

i will tomorrow though.

my mom made me go to a casting call for a movie. True Grit. i doubt i got called back, but it was kinda cool to go and see how that works. 

i miss my boyfriend. his name is adam, and he pretty much completes me. 

i met him at 4-H. i had a crush on him for two years :) we became official on December 4th. it had been a week and a day. huzzah!

He's really sweet. and he rides, too. 

Right now he's in Vegas, he got to go to the NFR. hateee. Hes having fun, which is good. 

he said hes going to buy me a present. well, actually he asked me what i wanted. i told him nothing, but if he insists... :) i still have no idea what to tell him i want. i told him to get his mom or his sister to pick something haha. 

We sang today, at the Factory. It was quite fun. i hope we sounded as good as we did at the "real" concert. i have no idea what we sounded like though, because i was up in the corner and the only person i could hear singing was Lauren :) love her voice, but dang is she loud!! 

And then i had the casting call. 

And then i babysat :) For mrs. perry. she teaches biology at my shcool. her kids name is baby william, and he is adaorableee. it was a pretty easy gig, cause he was basically asleep when i got there, so all i had to do was sit there.... i had an oatmeal cookie, then watched Talledaga Nights <3

i got sixty dollars :) woohooo! 

 

Today, i feel brown. brown is a peaceful color. it is the color of life.
i have been told brown is not a color, but i disagree. i have been told it is too bland, too neutral.
with that, i disagree even more.

it is a combination of all of the colors.

it is not bland.

it can be empty, dried up like a raisin in the sun.

it can be rich, freshly tilled.

it can be sad, washed away again and again. eroded.